The Key to Happiness
I remember as a young child sitting around the dinner table with my father and brothers, while mom was getting dinner ready to serve. My father was setting some boundaries for us, as we were getting a bit older, and he wanted to set a precedence. As he spoke, he slammed his fist onto the table for emphasis, making the dinner platters shake as he roared , “This house is NOT a democracy! It is a dictatorship, and what I say goes! No questions asked!”. For a young and curious child like myself, this was not the ideal household to grow up in. I wanted to know why. Not just why he felt that his opinion mattered more than mine did, but why I couldn’t do something he deemed was “wrong”, “bad” or “dangerous”. I was very curious from a very young age, and I did not believe that I should just automatically listen to someone just because they ‘said so’. As I grew up, my father and I often butted heads. What I realized a few years later, was that if he simply took the time to explain to me his fears and anxieties (for it was those limiting beliefs that led him to be so forceful with us) that he and I would have gotten along so much better. There would have been much less fighting, and much more ease in our relationship.
My dad felt that he had to wield his power over us to get us to ‘obey’ him. Basically, he was forcing us to do what he wanted us to do, because of his fears. He believed that there was only one way to achieve his goal: FEAR! He thought that if we feared him, we would do what he asked, no matter what.
Unfortunately, whether or not you grew up in a household similar to mine or not, most of us behave like this, in some way or another. We try to force each other to do what we want. Friends, family, co-workers and our own children, we all try to get them to bend to our ways and wishes.
Why do we do this?
On some level, we all have anxiety or fear about something, and we allow our ego to step in and try to protect us or those we love. We think that our way is the only way. That we know best, and that if only that person would stop their ______“bad, dangerous, scary” behavior, we would be so much happier.
So, how’s that working out for you? Not so great, is it? I didn’t think so.
As we try to change the behavior of others, we become triggered, and then get mad, angry or frustrated when they won’t do what we want, or they won’t do it “our way”, and we end up in an unsettled state of mind. This happens because most of us were taught, from a very young age, that we need to look outside of ourselves to find our peace, joy or happiness. When really all that is needed is to go within. For what’s out there, will never lead us to happiness. Or if it does, it will only be temporary.
This is the key to happiness. Please note that I didn’t say, I’ve discovered a way to make people do what YOU want. That type of thinking will only continue to make you miserable. The best way to find happiness is to find it within.
To start, be really kind and gentle with yourself! Don’t get angry when you make a mistake. Don’t get upset when you get angry, just sit quietly with yourself and ask yourself why? Why am I so upset over this situation?
If you have a piece of paper close by, write down why you are so upset, angry, frustrated, etc… and see what shows up on that piece of paper for you.
Some of us may need to do something physical to get our anger out, first. If this sounds like you, go ahead and find a healthy way to let go of your anger. I used to suggest punching pillows or a bed mattress to my children, but you can also use a punching bag. Or you can go for a run, take a kickboxing class, go for a car ride, and shout as loud as you can with the windows rolled up! However you do it, let off some steam in a safe way. Then, once you are a little bit calmer, go back to the piece of paper, notepad, or journal.
Here is a great place to start. Answer the questions; Why am I so angry?
Once you have the reason on paper, you can reflect on what caused it. Was it really because of someone else? Did “those people” really make you do it, or was it your own thoughts and beliefs about yourself that led to the behavior?
Now you can really dig in, and offer that compassion, kindness, and comforting words to yourself, as you reflect on what you said, or did. Remember that the idea is not to feel even worse about yourself, but to come to the conclusion that they are not to blame for how you feel about yourself. Taking ownership of our behaviors, thoughts and feelings is empowering. When we blame others we give our power away. We do this because it is easier for us. Instead of looking at our own behavior and changing how we think about ourselves, we would rather blame someone else. Some of us were never taught how to LOVE ourselves. Some of us were taught that it is “selfish” to love yourself, or to put yourself first, but I believe that is not selfish, but necessary. Learning to love yourself, and all of your parts (the good and the yucky stuff that needs more work) is how you expand your heart and attract more love to you.
